NFL CARterbacks

I just wanted to start off by saying don't get your panties in a jumble if I end up comparing your favorite quarterback to a run down old piece of junk (Pontiac Aztek). And in saying that we can start with the:

AFC North:

Ravens: Lamar Jackson - Lamborghini Aventador

The newest, sleekest, fastest thing on the block. This special car is one that just about anyone would want, but not everyone can afford. Seems to win countless awards year in and year out, but upon driving will occasionally shit itself mid road trip.

Steelers: Russell Wilson - Pontiac Grand Am

What was once a sought after sporty looking car is now shown its true colors as a cheap and tacky piece of garbage that is designated as a 2000's high school car. 

Bengals: Joe Burrow - Jaguar F-Type R

This exclusive car is rarely seen out on the streets as it has a high reputation to uphold to. The F-Type has incredible performance when on the road but often times needs to go in for service. When running well, there are few to no cars better on the market. 

Browns: Deshawn Watson - Bang Bus

Not too much explanation needed on this one. Simply just two perverted things that seemed cool back in the day but are now just full of cum and regrets.

AFC East:

Jets: Aaron Rodgers - Volkswagen Type 2 (VW Bus)

See the only quarterback in the league that may have experimented with more drugs than a hippy in the 70's in Aaron Rodgers.  From "Darkness Retreats", multiple Ayahuasca trips, and temporarily retired from football to pursue the illustrious career of a politician. The free spirit of the VW Bus directs its passengers in a mysterious path that absolutely nobody can predict, much like the career path of Aaron Rodgers.

Bills: Josh Allen - Mercedes-Benz Sprinter

Josh is not only an absolute tank of a quarterback that can lift the whole city of Buffalo on his back, but he also does it in style much like the Mercedes-Benz Sprinter. Don't worry about loading it up too much as it can fit pretty much the entire NFL fanbase into its trunk. This van is versatile, stylish, and always seems to get the job done. 

Dolphins: Tua Tagovailoa - Ford Mustang Convertible

Now this car doesn't always seem to have its top on just right. In fact, most of the time it is cruising around carelessly on a nice sunny summer day. A stylish car that performs well in the warm weather, but don't think about taking it out in the cold as it'll make you wanna blow your head off. 

Patriots: Drake Maye - Cadillac Escalade

With it's bold, stylish look the Escalade is a luxurious looking car on the outside, but when driven you may be privy to the sluggish handling and mediocre fuel efficiency. For some families it is a perfect fit, while others it may need some breaking into, making it more or a system car. 

AFC West:

Chiefs: Patrick Mahomes - Lightning McQueen

Depending on the generation you grew up in this is the GOAT. Now obviously there were others before him like Doc Hudson who may have paved the way, but there is no denying the greatness of Lightning McQueen.

Chargers: Justin Herbert - BMW M5

German-engineered precision with American muscle. Looks like it should win more races than it does

Broncos: Bo Nix - Rivian R1S

When there are so many other up and coming electronic vehicles making their way to the road it seems like this one has snuck its way into the top of the charts. Was not widely regarded as better than its competitors when first being introduced, but its performance on the road has brought many critics to their knees. 

Raiders: Did they even have a quarterback this year? And if they so, did anyone care?

NFC East:

Cowboys: Dak Prescott - Cadillac Escalade

Flashy, expensive, and carries the weight of excessive expectations. Looks great in the driveway but somehow always gets stuck in traffic during rush hour.

Eagles: Jalen Hurts Eagles - Hummer EV

Powerful, nearly impossible to stop in short-yardage situations, and surprisingly nimble for its size. Comes with a built-in gym.

Giants: Daniel Jones - Volvo station wagon

Safe, predictable, and somehow still employed despite never quite exciting anyone.

Commanders: Jayden Daniels - Electric sports car prototype

Exciting potential, quick acceleration, but hasn't been road-tested enough to know if it will last.

NFC North:

Bears: Caleb Williams - Volkswagen Bug

Known for being a bit fruity, both Caleb and the Bug are iconic in college, but just don't hit the same after. Also upon sight, both make you want to punch a nearby person every now and then. 

Packers: Joran Love - Low Rider

Much like a pimped out low rider, Jordan Love is dancing on his back foot for absolutely no reason at all other than for style points. 

Lions: Jared Goff - Ford F-150

Solid, dependable, and perfectly suited for the Motor City. Not the flashiest on the lot but gets the job done with surprising efficiency.

Vikings: Sam Darnold - Used luxury sedan:

Has been through several owners already, each convinced they could fix the transmission issues that the previous owner couldn't.

NFC South:

Buccaneers: Baker Mayfield - Monster truck with a chip on its bumper:

Surprisingly nimble for its aggressive stance, always driving like it has something to prove, and occasionally jumps over expectations.

Falcons: Kirk Cousins - Volvo SUV

Safe, reliable, and surprisingly expensive. Comes with premium features like "guaranteed contract" and "you like that!" bumper stickers.

Panthers: Bryce Young - Mini Cooper:

Compact, agile, and trying to prove size doesn't matter when you have heart. Occasionally gets overlooked in a parking lot of bigger vehicles.

Saints: Derek Carr - Dodge Charger

I feel like they are usually dark and goth looking. Don't usually look all too happy out on the road and seem to need fixups a lot. Continuously going through a quarter-life crisis type of look for not only themselves but their owners as well. Also, has a brother (Challenger) that is most definitely better.

NFC West:

Rams: Matt Stafford - Classic Mustang 

Vintage toughness with modern performance upgrades. Has some mileage but still turns heads.

Seahawks: Geno Smith - Toyota 4Runner that sat in the garage for years:

Everyone forgot about it until someone gave it a jumpstart, and now it's surprisingly reliable on the mountain roads.

Cardinals: Kyler Murry - Halo Warthog

Seems to speak for itself here. Literally needed to have a restriction on how much Call of Duty he can play per week in his NFL contract. And honestly, I am 100% jealous of that.

49ers: Brock Purdy - Honda Civic with unexpected turbo:

Unassuming until you press the gas and realize someone put a serious engine in this thing. The kind of car that makes you say, "Mr. Irrelevant? I don't think so."